Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
