i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
