my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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