Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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