and my herpes radar will keep us safe
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
