Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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