I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
