The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
