totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
