Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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