dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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