Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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