A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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