youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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