i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
