that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
