can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
