Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
