I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Duck Duck Cougar?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
