just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
