so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"