Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
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Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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