awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
