I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
