I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?