Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.