For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
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Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
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I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.