if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"