my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in