I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
