I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
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i really wish james franco would like my vagina
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
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He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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