i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
