some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
