you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
this will be a night to untag.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
