If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
you had me at cake vodka
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
