Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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