I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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