Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize