peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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