I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
