i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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