I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
