OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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