I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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