Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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