i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
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