I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
