I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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