So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
