I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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