forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
cat food counts as protein by the way
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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