I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
