You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
