She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
