It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You are a genius and a whore.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
