someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize