i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
