look no pants
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
