I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
