we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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