I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
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