I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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