Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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