Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
