That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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